Monday, January 17, 2011

Honey, I’m Home…

I walked in the door of our home with eyes red and swollen, from bawling the whole drive home from the Doctors office. I’m kind of surprised I made it home alive, considering I couldn’t really see through the flowing tears. You may have thought I would have called my husband, Allan, and told him as soon as I found out about the baby. But I didn’t.

I couldn’t.

In some weird way I felt like I was protecting him, even if it was only for a small time.

If he didn’t know, it wouldn’t hurt him.

Funny how the knowledge of something can cause actual physical pain.

Plus, I was scared to tell him. Would he be mad? At me? Or would he just be sad and worried and disappointed? Would he think I had done, or not done something to protect our precious cargo? Would he think it was my fault?

Was it?

I couldn’t answer his questions, because I couldn’t even answer my own.

On the way home I thought about how I would tell him. I would cry my eyes out, pull myself back together, and calmly inform him in the small change of plans.

Yeah right! …That is soooo not what happened.

I was a major wreak when I got home. I sat in the car for a long time, trying to calm down, but I just couldn’t.

Finally I walked in the house. Allan heard me come in, and met me at the door. When he saw the mess that once was his wife, he grabbed me and held on.

“Is something wrong with the baby?”

He got his answer when, for a good five minutes, I clung to him and sobbed.

It felt really good to get it all out. So when my tear ducts were empty, I told him.

It was SO hard to tell him.

He had mountains of questions, just like me. He was shocked and upset and concerned. But he didn’t break. And I really need him not to break that day.

He was strong for both of us.

Allan is a very even keeled kind of guy. We balance each other out. He is the perfect yin to my yang. Not super emotional, rarely yells or freaks out, and almost never will have a meltdown. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and calls it like he sees it. He’s calm, funny and very chill. He takes his cards, and does the best he can with them. He is the perfect person to handle any kind of situation, because he is adaptable. I couldn’t imagine going through this challenge without him. We really do make a great team, but even so, this little adventure still sucked for him as much as it did for me. And as much as I saw on the outside, I wasn’t in his head. Many of you have husbands/wives or significant others going through this right along with you. How are they doing? Ever wonder what they are really thinking and feeling? Well, stop wondering.


You are a team in battle for the good of your child! Cheesy, I know, but true. Talk openly about it and be each other cheerleaders and shoulders to cry on. Trust me, you'll need both.